Thanks to the #CycloneBomb, we’ve been relatively housebound for a few days.

In my pre-Donner Party mental state, I thought that watching the new-ish Sundance series “Riviera” would at least provide warm, sunny visuals that would take my mind off the sub-zero crap raging outside.

Well, the warm, sunny visuals are there.  No argument.

What isn’t included in this episodic soap are:

1. A story

2. A viable script

3. Dialogue that manages to rise above anything uttered at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.

4. With the exception of a few, performances noted for anything other than how awful they are.

I admit “Riviera” had the car crash-effect on me.  It was simply so horrifying I couldn’t stop watching, mainly because I HAD to see what gawd awful schmata they were going to shove Julia Styles into next.  (I had no idea there were THAT many shirt dresses in the world, I shit you not.)

Does this look like an über-wealthy denizen of Monaco to you?  Also, take a good look at that thousand yard stare.  That pretty much compromises the entirety of her performance.

Poor Lena Olin also suffered from the sadistic “Riviera” wardrobe team.

It’s the freaking RIVIERA, not Oslo!  And yes, I know it gets cold in the South of France, I’ve been there, but you tell me: what IS that?  Everyone else was happily cavorting in bathing suits and sun dresses ) except for the previously mentioned hideous shirt dresses.)

To her credit, Olin did her best to rise above the inane storytelling (by Neil Jordan, of all people) and morphed into a neo-Euro-version of Joan Collin’s character on the much missed “Dynasty.”  But even the accomplished Olin could barely get out some of the most stupid lines ever written for an actress.

The plot, such as it is, has something to do with the world of wealthy art patrons (all of whom apparently live in the Riviera), a mysterious hard drive (the contents of which are never revealed, so it could have been someone’s complete collection of Sponge Bob for all we know) that the “Russian government” may or may not be interested in, mean brothel owners…well, one in particular, and…..(trying to think of SOMETHING) oh, rehab.  Yes, heroin is bad!  None of it makes a lick of sense.

Oh!  But it does feature everybody’s favorite bad guy from GoT!

And this young lady:

How come she doesn’t need furs?

Some messes are glorious, like “The Fifth Element.”  Some are just messes.

Unless you’re a straight up masochist, I recommend a hard pass.

Find someplace warmer and sunnier to take your mind off the chilling winds.